(The purpose of this 16-week blog is to shine the light on childhood cancer by sharing our family’s personal experience as I prepare to run my first ever half marathon and raise money to help children with cancer and their families. Be a part of the story! Donate here… http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Heroes/Heroes?px=2078389&pg=personal&fr_id=59186 then share with your family and friends.)
I remember that afternoon like it was yesterday. I had just come home from running errands. The house was empty except for me and my Mom’s cat, Moses. As I walked over to the dining room table to set some things down, I stubbed my toe so hard on the leg of the table that it immediately took me to the floor. It was just the thing to push me over the very thin edge I had been walking for several weeks.
“What do You want from me? Are You trying to kill me or something? This is ridiculous! What in the world is going on?”
Yes, I was screaming at God…not because I had just badly stubbed my toe but because two weeks earlier my younger brother, Jon, had died of a sudden heart attack at the age of 48. This came after…
…my nephew, Mike, died of Cystic Fibrosis at age 25
…my Dad died of a stroke one year after Mike was gone
…Nick was diagnosed with cancer then died 8 months later
…another 8 months after Nick went to Heaven my sister, Judy, died of a heart attack at age 57
…my Mom died after battling dementia not quite a year before Jon was gone
…and just 3 weeks before Jon’s death, my ex-daughter-in-law decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and left my son.
When is enough, enough?
Have you ever felt like you’ve been knocked off your feet over and over again by the things that happen in life? Just when you are getting back up after a huge blow, you get (metaphorically) punched in the face again and are right back down on the floor.
MISERY LOVES COMPANY
At least it’s good to know that I’m not alone.
Thousands of years ago, a man named Job also struggled with God in the hard things of life. He lost everything he owned, including ALL of his children and then his own health, in a matter of days. And he ranted to God too…
“Ah, let me express my anguish! Let me be free to speak out of the bitterness of my soul.
O God, am I some monster that you never leave me alone? Even when I try to forget my misery in sleep, you terrify me with nightmares. I would rather die of strangulation than go on and on like this. I hate my life. Oh, leave me alone for these few remaining days. What is mere man that you should spend your time persecuting him? Must you be his inquisitor every morning and test him every moment of the day? Why won’t you leave me alone—even long enough to spit?
Has my sin harmed you, O God, watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your target, and made my life so heavy a burden to me? Why not just pardon my sin and take it all away? For all too soon I’ll lie down in the dust and die, and when you look for me, I shall be gone.”
HILLS AND VALLEYS
When I first contemplated the thought of running the St. Jude Half Marathon, I thought that I should probably find out if I am actually even capable of running. So last March, when the snow was still flying, I began to venture out on short runs.
It was not easy. I was as slow as molasses and my knees began to hurt…not just a little but to the point that it became difficult to walk. I had to take long extended breaks from running. I wore knee braces for extra support. Eventually, the muscles around my knees strengthened, the pain subsided, and I could run farther and eventually faster.
By the beginning of May, I felt confident that I could actually at least walk the half marathon and possibly run some of it so I signed up. It was official.
A few weeks ago, I ran in a 5K at my son and daughter-in-law’s church. It was a fundraiser for the area food pantry. I have been running 5-6 miles during my training so the thought of a 3.1 mile/5K run didn’t faze me.
As the horn blew signifying the beginning of the race, I started running alongside lots of other people. As we all got out of the gate and spread out a bit I began to find my stride. I wasn’t running to be fast or to beat anyone. I was just getting in my training miles for the week. But several things happened that surprised me as I ran the race…
First of all, running with other people actually made me faster. I beat my own personal time by a lot. I was not expecting that.
Secondly, I was not expecting the emotion that I would feel as I turned the corner on the last, lone country road and came up over the top of the hill to see the orange flags that marked the way to the finish line.
I heard God whisper to my spirit… “This is life. Run to the end with everything you have and at the end of it all you will understand. The reward will be great and worth every ounce of pain.”
I choked back tears and ran a little faster.
Then as I got closer to the orange flags, I saw them. My husband and my son had finished the race before me and there they were waiting for me, cheering me on to finish well. I swear that I could see Nick standing with them.
“This is life. So it will be that when you finish this life, those who you love that have gone before you will be there at the finish line cheering you on! The reunion in that life will be worth every ounce of pain in this one.”
The third surprising thing that happened was that I actually placed 2nd in my age category among women. (And yes, there were more than 2 people in that category). I was only one minute behind first place. I’m still not sure how that happened. Steve also placed 2nd and Josh was 1st in their age categories among men.
Several days later, as I continued to train, I began to have pain in my lower legs. Over the next few days the pain increased and currently I am dealing with some pretty wicked shin splints. What the heck? Why now?
Once again, right after being on the top of a hill, I find myself in this all too familiar valley. I have had to cut back my running and rest more while I ice and elevate my legs and wear compression socks.
Oh well, such is life. Full of hills and valleys.
“Getting knocked down in life is a given… getting up and moving forward is a choice.” –Zig Ziglar
You can be sure that life will knock you down. But did you know that you have a choice to either stay there or get up on your feet and move forward from that place?
As for me, I will keep moving forward to race day. I will finish even if I have to walk the entire thing because it’s not at all about me running. It is about raising money to save the lives of kids with cancer. And personally, for me, it is about honoring the life of my son, Nick, and hearing God through the pain of loss and struggle and even shin splints.
Oh yeah, a couple last things about Job and me…
After Job railed to God for awhile, God finally spoke up and had His say. After He was finished speaking, Job said…
“I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you”.
Before all of the pain, when everything was going well, Job had heard about God. He knew Him in a more superficial way. But after the pain and the struggle and the fight, at the end of it all, Job said that now he has SEEN God. He suddenly knew Him in an intimate way like dear friends who have just fought through something big together.
So it is also with me.
“And so the Lord blessed Job at the end of his life more than at the beginning….Job lived 140 years after that, living to see his grandchildren and great-grandchildren too. Then at last he died, an old, old man, after living a long, good life.”
Just 10 short weeks after my brother Jon died, our daughter and son-in-law told us that they were pregnant with our first grandchild, a girl who would be named after her Uncle Nick…Avery Nichole.
In the coming years, my son would find a most beautiful woman who had been in our lives when she was a little girl (she was one of Nick’s friends and in his class in elementary school). She loves my son, encourages him, and builds him up. They would soon marry.
Then came a grandson…Micah Benjamin. And another granddaughter…Ellie Anne.
I don’t really want to live to be 140, but I am already feeling like God is blessing my life more now than He did at the beginning. These precious children are the joys of my life.
Life is hard…but God is good. You gotta roll with the punches.
Of course, Song #35 on my Race Day Playlist has to be Roll With the Punches by Lenka.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZaE4TY09C8
That really hurt me
Like a fist to the face
I wasn’t ready
To be knocked out of place
Suddenly everything I was sure of
Sinking below the depths of the surface
It’s unexpected, it usually is
When you’re rejected
Or you take a hit
Suddenly everything’s thrown in a spin
No time to grow a thicker skin
What kind of situation am I in now?
When life tries to knock all the wind out of you
You’ve got to roll, roll, roll with the punches
If all life offers is black and blue
You’ve got to roll, roll, roll with the punches
When all I want is a little stability
Some time without any bruises
You go and tell me the things that I don’t want to hear
Putting your fist into my ears
Filling me up with the dread and the fear leaving you all in pieces
Suddenly everything’s thrown in a spin
No time to grow a thicker skin
What kind of situation am I in now?
Be part of the story! Donate here… http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Heroes/Heroes?px=2078389&pg=personal&fr_id=59186
If you are unable to donate financially, please consider passing along this message to others who can. Thank you!
Many of you who are reading this most likely know our Backstory, or at least part of it. If you don’t and would like to know more details of Nick’s story, you can visit his CaringBridge site here…